The Daddy Gap
I went home to North Carolina a while back and my oldest brother brought
me into his bedroom and had me pull a large chest out from under the bed.
It was an old chest made of tin on the inside and covered with wood on
the outside. In it were things that meant a lot to me a long time ago.
It included some of my accomplishments and some of my failures too...
and the feelings that were attached to these things started to well up
inside me.
In many ways who we are now is a reflection of how we responded to these
things in the past and the relationships we've had. The patterns and habits
we have today are grounded, in many ways, in our "chest of memories."
We are all incomplete, but we are called by God to be perfect -- not
without flaw, but to be "complete" -- in all that God wants
us to be. This means mature in Christ, like peaches that are ripened on
the tree. We are to be mature in our character, our spirit, and our intellect.
The problem is, very few of us ever obtain this. We have some strengths,
but we also have some weaknesses.
Men and women have "gaps" and, in a marriage, they fill in
each other's "gaps." You see, if we got everything we needed
as we were growing up we might not have the flaws or gaps, but such is
not the case. Today we live in a time when men don't know what it means
to be a mature person, being responsible, taking leadership in the family.
What I am referring to here is called the "Dad Gap!"
When Merv Griffin asked that well know theologian Lucile Ball (!) "What
has happened to our society?" She said an amazing thing. "Papa's
Missing! If papa were here, things would be different."
The father of Jeffery Dahmer (the man who brutally murdered 17 people)
a college professo,r described in a recent book how he raised his son.
He says he was too busy to spend time and be affectionate with his son.
I wasn't there to see the signs that he might be drifting and sinking,
Jeffery's father explained.
Sons are learning from their dads. Either they are learning good wholesome
things or they are learning something else. Over half of the youth today
will not have their father with them at some point in their youth. Two
out of five will not be living with their real father. This figure was
17% in 1960, today it is over 40%.
Men are shaped by their fathers or his absence. John 14:9 says "If
you have seen me you have seen the father." In other words, if you
want to know the father, look at me!
The Father Gap is an on-going deficit caused because the father is missing.
When the father is missing from the home youth violence increases, domestic
violence increases and so does child abuse. The absence of fathers also
causes economic poverty and the number of adolescent children raising
kids, abortions, and illegitimate children increases. Even if a father
is not perfect -- and none is -- he is good enough for God to use him
to do what is needed.
There are four things a father does that
are important to remember:
- Provide physical protection;
- Provide for material needs;
- Provide an identity for the child (giving him a sense of character
and identity); and
- Provide for day-to-day nurturing.
A dad gives his son his identity. Little boys feed off of their dads.
Proverbs 17:6 says:
Children's children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the
pride of their children.
Young boys walk around the house in dad's over-sized shoes because they
want to be like daddy. If a dad will realize and take advantage of this
a dad can help shape his son's character. He can bring a sense of substance
to his son(s). If dads don't do this, then their sons will grow up having
no sense of what it means to be a responsible man and this will have a
major impact on the quality of the boy's life. In some cases it will cause
confusion of what it means to be a man and a leader.
When asked to describe a father, men at conferences will say things like...
good, honest, and then it will move toward descriptions like "away,"
"angry," and "beat me!"
My dad was a godly father. He was a close friend of Rev. Terry Fullam.
He lost everything he had in the depression. He was a man of amazing integrity
and a peacemaker. He could walk into a room full of chaos and quiet it
down in a minute's time.
My dad loved his work and worked hard. He was a merchandiser. He was
not involved much in my life. I was sent to boarding school and as far
as I can remember, he never visited me once except at graduation. In college
it was much the same. I knew that he loved me but I didn't feel significant
in my father's world.
I remember he used to say to me "Son, you will never know the value
of the dollar." But he never taught me about money and how to manage
it. He felt like I was too young to know about it and as a result I felt
like I was a disappointment to my dad and that I would not grow up to
be much, at least in his eyes. Consequently I grew up with a lack of confidence
in my life. I can remember that when we did spend time together there
was not much communication between us.
So, how does the absent father impact the life of his son(s)? Ephesians
6:4 tells dads: "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead,
bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Their
son(s) may become frustrated and angry. This is part of what we saw in
Columbine High School in Colorado. Many of the families there had missing
dads.
When dad is around he can demonstrate to his children how to work out
disagreements with his wife. He can give hisr children positive examples
of how to relate to others.
Where dads are missing from the home we see extreme behavior in the children.
Everything from drugs and alcohol to sons growing up to be workaholics.
Many a public figure has been heard saying:
 "I'll
work harder to prove that I am worth something."
"Rarely
do I feel good about what I am doing, because my dad didn't let me know
that I counted."
Burt
Reynolds once said "You aren't a man until your dad tells you that
you are." His dad never cried with him, kissed him, or hugged him
as a child.
It is important to remember that even dads who are present may not really
be there.
I believe that homosexuality comes from a deficit in the relationship
with the parent of the same sex. For some boys,they respond by seeking
approval by any man, which leads them into the homosexual lifestyle. Pull
the dad out of the family and you let the demons in.
The Things a Dad Brings
to His Son(s):
- Time with father: Spending time with your children forms memories
that will shape a boy's feeling about who he is and how to be a man.
You will model for them how to deal with pain, how to take responsibility
in situations, and how to work out conflicts in a marriage. [John
5:19]
- Provide Direction and Guidance: You will answer questions and
explain principles of truth. [Deut. 6]
- Provide Understanding of Conviction: You will explain why
something is important to you, why you feel it is important, and why
it is important to live your life a certain way -- the way of integrity.
- Provide Approval for Your Son: Even Jesus needed this. We all
need to know and hear that we are approved by our dads. [Matt
3:16] Until a man knows that his dad loves him he cannot know
that his heavenly father loves him.
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